Sunday, December 12, 2004

The Bush Religion

Every now and then there's speculation (since he doesn't actually go to church) about George W. Bush's religious convictions. Sure, he's "saved", but what exactly does that mean? Here at Boring Diatribe, our crack team of investigative reporters thinks they have the answer. Given the recent noises from Bush and his sect about passing on the favor and "saving" Social Security, it's pretty clear that Bush is a Fundamentalist Mormon:
If the 9,000 members of a polygamous Mormon sect in south-west Utah felt comfortable borrowing from their local bank like there was no tomorrow, it was because, in their minds, that was precisely the case. The world, they had been told, was coming to an end.

The Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints gladly used high-interest funds to finance suspect business ventures. There was the water melon farm on which not a single water melon was planted, and plans to convert old military barracks into homes fell through when they found lead paint and asbestos inside. Now, though, the tap has been turned off. After years of obliging the sect, the local Bank of Ephraim has been forced to shut down after state regulators found it could no longer handle all the loans it had extended.
If you're convinced the Apocalypse is imminent, and, in fact, you're in a position to hurry along the End Times, there's really not too many worries about paying back $2 trillion in bad debt to finance the Rapture party for you and your friends. Although it seems like things would go a bit smoother if they'd just get Jesus hauling ass back to this mortal coil to gesture all the uppity towelheads into the Lake of Fire.

Here's hoping Bush and friends are correct on every count. Bring on the Rapture, gang. Let's get all you irresponsible sanctimonious creeps sucked into Heaven so the rest of us can get on with taking care of the Earth.


Blogger Maines said...

One is reminded of a Garrison Keillor bit as Guy Noir, Private Eye, in which Noir is helping a little girl who believes her parents have disappeared in the Rapture. Noir calls Billy Graham: "No, no sign of the Rapture." He calls Dubya: "No, no Rapture, I'm still here."

Turns out the only ones taken in the Rapture were the Unitarians and the pacifists.

11:42 PM  
Blogger Alvin Miller said...

My inaugural address at the Great White Throne Judgment of the Dead, after I have raptured out billions!


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End of Days,Day of the Lord,Endtime,Judgment Day

6:59 AM  

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